Everyone is always saying how motherhood is the hardest thing ever, but I’m calling bluff. I mean, if it were so hard, wouldn’t women would just stop having babies? Yet there’s still all this chit chat about over-population, so obviously we keep on popping out the progeny. And if people are still making babies, it can’t really be that hard. In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say motherhood is downright easy!
10 Reasons Motherhood is the Easiest Ever
1) You mess something up? Oh, no biggie. You can throw out the “motherhood induced neurological disorder” card, and get a free pass. “Oops! I forgot to turn the oven on and now we’re having E.coli chicken for dinner. *chuckle chuckle* Mommy brain!”
2) If you’re a breastfeeding mom, for 6 months straight you get to feed your baby without having to actually make a single meal. I mean, you don’t even have to open a fridge door. Actually, you don’t even have to get out of bed. That’s right, you can feed your baby LAYING DOWN.
3) During pregnancy people fawn over you. “Oh don’t lift that box…it’s too heavy!” and “Here, why don’t you just put your feet up.” Some stores will even give you a special parking spot close to the entrance. It’s basically 9 months of pampering and relaxation.
4) Forget heels and pencil skirts, sweats and tank tops are a completely appropriate uniform. In fact, the occasional pajama day is acceptable too.
5) Personal hygiene standards are way lax. It’s par for the course to have bags under your eyes, crumbs in your hair, and spit up down the front of your shirt. You can totally get away with looking frumpy.
6) And the house? Well you have kids now…people expect you to have sticky surfaces and a living room full of toys. The pressure is off! Messy is the new-normal, so your obligation to clean is drastically reduced.
7) If you’re caught sleeping at work, you’ll likely be fired. But as a mom, the occasional mid-day nap is not only fine, but even encouraged. “Sleep when the baby sleeps!” they say…what other job allows you that liberty?
8) You have so much free time. Everyone knows that all babies do is sleep! So after you’ve taken your coordinated naps (see # 7) you have the remainder of your baby’s sleep time to pursue your own interests or just relax! (And remember, no one actually expects you to have a clean house anyway)
9) Beyond nap time and leisure pursuits, the majority of your daily responsibilities include playing, coloring, going for walks, and visits to the park. Tough schedule, huh.
10) And obviously, because being a mom is so easy, you have another baby. Then things get even easier! People line up to bring you meals, help out with laundry, and watch the kids so you can take a nap (again with the napping!). It’s almost like a vacation.
So basically, as a mom, your day-to-day involves comfy clothes, resting, and playing with your (well-behaved, of course) kiddos. Over-population problem explained…easiest job EVER!
Disclaimer #1 (because it feels like everything should have a disclaimer nowadays): I should have posted this yesterday, on April Fools Day. That’s all the explanation I need.
Diclaimer #2: In case hints aren’t your strong suit, let me be more direct — this is a satire piece…we all know motherhood is darn hard.